The Wallflower Who Survived.

My life pretty much ended in the middle of my 10th grade. I’d do well in class tests and all, but something would happen during mocks and I’d do horrible in them. In September we had our second round of mocks and in October I had my boards. Let’s just say I actually worked hard. Specially for Physics, Maths and French. I wanted to do well in these subjects no matter what. I did average in my mocks. Then my boards happened in October. I had time till Jan for the results.

Now let’s go back a few months, May. So in May, I kinda fell in love with a senior. I proposed to him and shit. He rejected me. I was sort of over it and to distract myself I concentrated on my boards till October. Let’s name him Kabir. So Kabir was in 12th. I was in 10th. We had our boards at the same time. After our boards Kabir and I started talking a lot. We were like the best of friends and I thought things would work out between the two of us.

Now we’re in Jan. My results came out. I got 68% in French and Physics. 75 in math. I was shattered to pieces. This may not seem like a big deal to you but it meant everything to me. So on the day of my results I came home and no one was there, so I tried to kill myself and shit. Now that I’m alive, you know I was saved. Lets not get into the details of what I did. But everyone started being extra nice to me since then and that scared me even more. I wanted to prove a point to everyone. None of that happened. Also, Kabir went away to London. For higher studies. We didn’t talk for five months. Then later he came back to India for sometime. After which we did start talking but not as much.

Three months after my results, my 11th grade began. I was determined that I’d ace this at least. You see I come from an international board. So basically here my 12th results are a combination of my 11th marks and my 12th marks. Same thing happened again. I did well in class, all the teachers were confident about me doing well.  But, at the time of the examination, I did miserably. I JUST passed 11th. Got like 40% or something.
11th got over in June. Within a week 12th started. By now I had lost hope. I pretty much knew I couldn’t do well. I started going for tuitions and stuff. That got me some confidence. I thought I could at least get like a 60%. In mocks, I got like 40.

Sometime in Oct I came across this guy. A friend of one of my senior. We’d chat on Whatsapp everyday and stuff. Also note that his bday and Kabir’s bday were the same date. So this guy and I became really close. He said he loved me. And yes I fell into the trap. After a while, he started pushing me away. He’d say he was depressed and  he didn’t want to become a burden on me.

Slowly, it happened to me too.

I just didn’t want to wake up every morning. I’d look at my books and start crying. Everything seemed dark and gloomy. I had no reason to smile. None.

Kabir knew all of this. He didn’t want me to get into depression too. He said he’d help me out and stuff. But the thing about depression is, it’s intangible. It’s so much more than just being ‘sad’ or hating your appearance. The saddest thing is that you start feeling numb. Tears can’t even drop and you feel nothing. You don’t cry. You don’t hear. You don’t see. You stay. For a second, the heart dies. That’s how depression hits. You wake up one morning and you’re afraid that you will have to live.  No one knows how I feel. It’s just so ugly and filled with despair.
My best friend, Riya would always be there though. I know I’ve put her through trouble too. But trust me, it’s not what I wanted. I know I to had to change. But it was too late by now. I was consumed by depression. It’s as if some Satan was pulling me. Not letting me be happy. But no matter what, Riya would always be there.
Kabir wanted to help me too. I told him I really wanted to do well in boards. Now that he was in India, he said he’d help me out and stuff. He’d try calling me and all just to know if I’m fine or not. Slowly he knew I was helpless. But he wanted the old me back.
One fine day. I get a message from Kabir’s girlfriend. Yes, he had a girlfriend. Yes, that broke me. She said I stole her boyfriend. She said I was ruining his life. She told me I was worthless. I guess that was the day I realised that I’m nothing but a piece of shit.
My boards were approaching. It was Feb already. Boards were to start in march. A building friend of mine, also my rakhi brother, knew everything. So one day I went to his house for some work and we ended up hooking up. The worst part. His mom caught us. Yes. Right before my boards, I’m caught almost having sex with someone. This was it. I was dead, inside. I might have looked happy, but honestly, the only way I’d actually smile is if you’d cut me ear to ear. I did make a few trips to my psychologist. It did help but not to a large extent.

Boards happened. I don’t think they went as well. So yeah now I’m here. Giving entrances and shit. Riya is shifting soon and results are gonna come. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I’ve lost most of my important people. My depression kills me everyday. I don’t think I’d even want to survive. This is how life has been.

I’m afraid it’s going to be worse.

The outcome of all this is that I’ve changed a lot now. I’ve become a meaner person. I don’t smile when I see someone. I am not grateful enough these days. I know there are a few people who care for me but I can’t help but be like this. Slowly I think I want to cut off from everyone and just become materialistically ambitious. I want to suppress the pain. I know I’ve disappointed a lot to people. I owe them an apology. And I probably will, when I actually become worth the forgiveness. Sorry, Riya. I made this happen to myself.

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Author: Aitijya Sarkar

You know that bright little star next to the moon? The one you've never really noticed for some reason. That's me.

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