Understand. And love.
We’re here. And we care.
So, yeah. This feels weird because honestly I’ve never been much of a sharer. Why, you ask?
Because it’s pretty simple. I don’t think I am worthy enough. You see there are about 7 billion people in this world. And 14 billion freaking stories.
Mine isn’t just worthy enough. Because I’ve known people who’ve gone through much worse. Much, much worse. Funny as it sounds, it’s just as simple as that.
So you’ll NOT know about my life through this. You’ll just know pure, unadulterated me. Or so, I hope. Also, there is this small thing about people coming up to me and asking, “What went wrong in your life?”
I mean really? If I wanted to tell you, wouldn’t I have already?
I am but young. Almost 21, but I’ve lived various lives.
I’ve been the sick kid, the ‘had to stay away from home for weird reasons’ kid, the introvert, extrovert, weird kid at school, the depressed kid, the footballer who stayed up all night to watch the El Clasico kid, the ambivert, the troubled teenager, the drunk who peed in front of cops and ran for his life kid and finally the alcoholic.
Well, don’t get me wrong. I’ve lived a pretty amazing and weird life to be honest. With a minor hiccup here and there.
And I’ve felt crappy. Really really crappy.
And most of all I’ve cared. For a beggar. For a child. For my family. For my friends. In my weird fucked up way, I know I’ve always cared. Sometimes too much. And most times, they would never know.
And I have loved. In the death of the night, I worry. Secretly, true. But I do. So next time you get that text from me at 3 in the night asking, “Hey, asshole. How have you been?” Know.
You see, the world that we see around us is nothing but a library. So many people, so many lives, some good, some bad, some downright fuckall. So many stories.
And we know nothing. Ygritte, from Game of Thrones was right. We really know nothing.
One thing I can assure you, life is an endless maze of pain.
I’ve had nightmares. Weeks on end when I was too scared to sleep because I’ll wake up from a panic attack. Countless times when I’ve told myself that I can handle the alcohol, and lost once again. Tried to tell myself, the things I’ve done, were mostly things I’ve had to do. But, honestly it hurts. I am just plain tired. And here I’ll be presumptuous enough to claim, the world owes me.
I’ve tried to overdose on medication when I was three litres of cheap booze down, working under a delusion that I’ll be reborn again. (Yes, you read right)
And honestly, again, let me reiterate I am just plain tired. It hurts. Their are so many people who love me. So much. They care. But I know they do not understand and I’ve come to realize it’s not entirely their fault. I’ve not really made it easy on them, not really. Never really gave them a chance to.
I’ve been awake all night, trying to figure out what was really wrong with me.
I’ve been dismissed by a doctor who told me it was just alcohol that was messing with my head. Hallucinations, withdrawals, it all fit.
I’ve strayed off topic here.
Let me get back. I’ve been told a million times, the world does not rest on my shoulders. That I should stop putting the burden of everyone around me on myself. That I seek and continuously thrive in pain. And also on one particular occasion, “You feed off of other people’s misery.”
Oh, well. Then who will? Who the fuck will care? We are so immersed in our lives that we do not really stop to think about the person next to us.
When I die someday, I will live on. Through memories, emotions and everything else that connects these two. Death being an inevitability is something I don’t connect with. When you watch your sister fight for her life in the hospital, and you wager with the so-called God, you tend to lose faith in inevitabilty. God and inevitabilty is something we tell ourselves to make ourselves believe we are but powerless.
Nah. Not for me.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I was made this way. I am hurting. And I hope this helps if you feel the same way. It’s just that I know what it feels like to feel alone.
If someone feels the same way, they shouldn’t.
Here is to letting people like me know they are not alone.