I promised all of you that over the course of the next two weeks I will post about me and the kind of life I’ve had so that the people who read and comment know the kind of person they’re sharing a piece of themselves with. If you have not read it yet, you can read it here.
Here goes another piece of me.
Understand. And Love.
We’re here. And we care.
“It’s been around 4 and a half years since I’ve been drinking. My relationship with alcohol has been rocky to say the least. I know I am just 21. I know I am but young and have miles to go. But this has happened. And it’s real. For me, it is.
Before I begin I wanted to explain the simple difference between an alcoholic and someone who just drinks. An alcoholic does not know when to stop. He/she turns to alcohol for everything that goes down in their lives, however big or small. One glass turns into two and before you know it you’re puking your guts out to make space for more.
Do not get me wrong. I love alcohol. I remember one night when I mixed my sleep medication with booze, I just curled up next to my mother and I told her, “Maa, I do not think I can live without it. I am just not me.” I was crying profusely and I was a month sober before this. Withdrawals are real. They happen. You just don’t know how bad they can get.
Yes, I am only 21.
Alcohol just makes me lose myself. To be honest, it helps me open up. Not anymore, though. But that is why and how it all started. It started in school. During my first year of college, I would drink a quarter of rum and be done. Then came second year. A quarter turned into litres. I hate blaming others for my mistakes, but to a certain extent I have to accept the fact that things at home were bothering me. Things that I can’t share because it’s not really my story.
I have this habit of blaming myself. I did kind of blame myself for it all. Even when my sister had THE accident, I blamed myself. She fell from the fourth floor if you’re wondering. But that’s not the point.
Alcohol became my answer for everything. Then came the sleepless nights. Then the auditory hallucinations. Visual hallucinations. Pills. Mixing them with alcohol. This vicious cycle ended with me downing 16 pills when I was around 3-4 litres of alcohol down. I wanted to kill myself because it was just too much. The nightmares, the lifestyle, panic attacks, insomnia, continuous intoxication. I’ve hurt so many people in the process and I’ve been really glad to have such people who’ve stuck with me no matter what.
You know how they say you’ll know your real friends when you’re down and broken? They were right. You do.
I will not lie. After that incident, my parents were so patient and helpful it was really touching. I’ve been blessed with a brilliant family. They do not understand me. And at the same time even though they would not show it, I know who to turn to when things go south. I totally understood why they wanted to send me to a rehab. But they didn’t. Do not worry.
I still drink. Alcoholics anonymous is useless by the way. If you ever wish to seek their help, DON’T. Doctors won’t help you either. They’ll not understand and more often than not you’ll just use your pills to mellow yourself down.
How did I get better? I didn’t. I still can and would drink litres of alcohol. But I know when to stop. I do know. As phony as it sounds, I do. I know there are certain times I should drink and certain times I shouldn’t. That separates me from my old self.
I am not an alcoholic. Maybe I am. But I do not think it still has as much power over me.
Why did I write this today?
Because I am going to drink today.
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