Understand. And love.
We’re here. And we care.
“Friendship. What actually goes into this relationship?
You get to choose who you want to share it with and those people then become a major part of your life. On the surface, the reason for your choice is pretty simple. You like similar things, like movies, music, food, sitcoms, etc.
Or you may like or hate the same people.
But more often than not, it has more to do with a connect that you feel with an individual, a connection you can’t control.
A connection that forms the entire foundation of this relationship.
So what happens when over a period of time, this connection slowly starts breaking, chipping away the foundation with it until you’re left with nothing but a corpse of what you once had? What do you do then?
Do you try to revive it? Do you burn it for good?
I’ve struggled with these two questions for the longest time in my life. Not because I didn’t know which one to choose, but because I knew my choice and realized that I had known it for a long time too.
I was just afraid to make it. Looking back now I realize how stupid and unnecessary that fear was.
Recently, I read a post that my friend had written on being alone and appreciating yourself. She is someone who never fails to inspire me. The post got me thinking. Because being alone in life has been one of my biggest fears since I can remember. I don’t really know when, but along with my friends, I started doubting myself too.
Was I really too irritating? Do I sound annoying all the time? Was I the one who was the problem? Because after all, so many of them couldn’t be wrong.
I don’t think I gave these little problems and fights with them much thought, until one fine day, my so called friends sat me down, and began listing off everything that was wrong with me, one by one.
That day I hated myself so much that I couldn’t even look at my reflection.
It took me days to realize, that I was not the problem. And that I shouldn’t let others make me feel bad about myself.
Sure I am not perfect. I’m still not, but who is? It doesn’t mean I should have to listen to how much the people I considered friends didn’t like me.
My struggle with self doubt began from there and never quite ended to be honest. The 12 year old that I was, I didn’t speak to these friends for a few weeks before my fear of being left alone bought us back on speaking terms.
They were 12 too, so I can’t quite hold it against them, but when I look back, I can’t believe how much I let their words get to me.
When school ended and it was time to finally part ways, a shift from my old house came as an icing on the cake. And as much I feared it, I loved the idea of going to a different new college, alone. I got the wonderful opportunity to re-invent myself without the judging glares and behind the back whispers that seemed to follow me everywhere in an all girls’ school.
I grew as a person and realized that I had spent a major part of my school life being the girl I had never wanted to be- Who didn’t speak out, who was afraid of being alone and hated.
It wasn’t their fault though. As much as I’d like to blame them, I won’t, because even though we started this friendship together and on the same page, we got lost among the years that followed and went different ways eventually.
We changed, for our own reasons and maybe even for the better.
We stopped understanding and relating to each other and we just disappeared from each other’s life.
I held on longer than I should’ve, and eventually I realized that all I did was hurt myself.
When people change, they do it for themselves. Instead of trying to change them back, you just have to let them go. That’s the only way you both can grow.
I learnt that, only, after facing my fear of losing people and being alone. Trust me, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
I still talk to these friends, but I no longer hold any grudge, anger- or expectations from them. I no longer feel the need to be included when I’m with them and I respect them for who they’ve become.
I’ve learnt that holding on to bad memories only makes your present worse creating more sad memories for you.
So live, learn, forgive and try as hard as you can to forget.
Because, there are a thousand more beautiful memories out there- waiting for you to make them happen.”