Rum and Coke.

alcoholic final

I promised all of you that over the course of the next two weeks I will post about me and the kind of life I’ve had so that the people who read and comment know the kind of person they’re sharing a piece of themselves with. If you have not read it yet, you can read it here.

Here goes another piece of me.

As always,

Read.

Listen.

Understand. And Love.

We’re here. And we care.

*****

“It’s been around 4 and a half years since I’ve been drinking. My relationship with alcohol has been rocky to say the least. I know I am just 21. I know I am but young and have miles to go. But this has happened. And it’s real. For me, it is.

Before I begin I wanted to explain the simple difference between an alcoholic and someone who just drinks. An alcoholic does not know when to stop. He/she turns to alcohol for everything that goes down in their lives, however big or small. One glass turns into two and before you know it you’re puking your guts out to make space for more.

Do not get me wrong. I love alcohol. I remember one night when I mixed my sleep medication with booze, I just curled up next to my mother and I told her, “Maa, I do not think I can live without it. I am just not me.” I was crying profusely and I was a month sober before this. Withdrawals are real. They happen. You just don’t know how bad they can get.

Yes, I am only 21.

Alcohol just makes me lose myself. To be honest, it helps me open up. Not anymore, though. But that is why and how it all started. It started in school. During my first year of college, I would drink a quarter of rum and be done. Then came second year. A quarter turned into litres. I hate blaming others for my mistakes, but to a certain extent I have to accept the fact that things at home were bothering me. Things that I can’t share because it’s not really my story.

I have this habit of blaming myself. I did kind of blame myself for it all. Even when my sister had THE accident, I blamed myself. She fell from the fourth floor if you’re wondering. But that’s not the point.

Alcohol became my answer for everything. Then came the sleepless nights. Then the auditory hallucinations. Visual hallucinations. Pills. Mixing them with alcohol. This vicious cycle ended with me downing 16 pills when I was around 3-4 litres of alcohol down. I wanted to kill myself because it was just too much. The nightmares, the lifestyle, panic attacks, insomnia, continuous intoxication. I’ve hurt so many people in the process and I’ve been really glad to have such people who’ve stuck with me no matter what.

You know how they say you’ll know your real friends when you’re down and broken? They were right. You do.

I will not lie. After that incident, my parents were so patient and helpful it was really touching. I’ve been blessed with a brilliant family. They do not understand me. And at the same time even though they would not show it, I know who to turn to when things go south. I totally understood why they wanted to send me to a rehab. But they didn’t. Do not worry.

I still drink. Alcoholics anonymous is useless by the way. If you ever wish to seek their help, DON’T. Doctors won’t help you either. They’ll not understand and more often than not you’ll just use your pills to mellow yourself down.

How did I get better? I didn’t. I still can and would drink litres of alcohol. But I know when to stop. I do know. As phony as it sounds, I do. I know there are certain times I should drink and certain times I shouldn’t. That separates me from my old self.

I am not an alcoholic. Maybe I am. But I do not think it still has as much power over me.

Why did I write this today?

Because I am going to drink today.

Thank you.”

*****

-Aitijya Sarkar

PS- For any post contributions, email us at- thewallandus@gmail.com.

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Author: Aitijya Sarkar

You know that bright little star next to the moon? The one you've never really noticed for some reason. That's me.

19 thoughts on “Rum and Coke.”

  1. Dear Aitijya,

    Thank you for sharing your story .

    No you are not an alcoholic. I have always believed excess drinking is like an illness which the person ( one who is addicted to alcohol) has no control over .

    The fact that you write about it and that you know exactly how much is good or bad tells me you are doing fine.

    You are so young and have whole life ahead of you. This blog is such a great idea. I am sure when the readership increases this will help so many people.

    You clearly are a kind hearted beautiful person. and once again, NO you are not an alcoholic.

    The least I can do is give you one of my biggest smiles 🙂 . Hope it brings a smile to your face too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wouldn’t call it an illness, I believe that you can stop something if you tried hard enough.
      I don’t know about a smile, but this did make me teary eyed. Thank you tons.
      I hope you would write a piece yourself if you can. 🙂
      Just thank you and have a great day. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Aitijya,

        How are you today?

        I am sorry I called it an illness. Let me explain why I called it so:

        There is a person who I know very closely and whom I respect very very much that is being tagged as an ‘alcoholic’. No he is not an alcoholic. Its unfortunate that he cannot give up alcohol. He wants to quit drinking, his family wants him to quit drinking. He has tried several times, his family has tried several times. But no joy.

        He started off drinking during his bachelor days ( away from home in a new land, new friends, youth, fun). Slowly alcohol spread its claws around him and inadvertently he became slave to alcoholism. There were several periods (some long , some short) when he was completely off alcohol but then there were several trigger factors that led him to drinking and so he never really gave up drinking.

        Every time I see him , I see in his eyes -NO I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. I deserve just as much respect and love as anyone else. And he is right. but sadly his family distance themselves from him. One of his family member once told how ‘not normal’ he was when he was drunk. That’s when I thought to myself. It’s like an illness that he is suffering from. Everyone around him wants him to get better but sadly medications( attempts in this case) aren’t working . However, I dont agree with his family in maintaining a distance from him.

        You are right, with strong will, determination and perhaps with lot of support from family and friends it is possible to overcome excess drinking habit.

        I wish I had a way with words like you do in which case I would have written all this ( or a post about my thoughts on alcoholism) in a much better way. English isn’t my strong point. Nevertheless I hope I am able to convey the right message and that is it is as unfortunate as battling an illness when one is battling alcoholism.

        I appreciate the honesty with which you wrote this post. I hope you succeed in your journey of change. All the very best.

        You take care too. Have a good day .

        Once again leaving you with a smile :-). I hope today you will give back one smile in return .

        Like

        1. I am so sorry. I loved the comment. I was so touched you have no idea. Trust me your comment meant so much to me.
          I hope the person you spoke of gets better. If he has people like you with him I am sure he will be good.
          And you’re right, it hurts when you get called an alcoholic. Specially when you’re trying to change and people dismiss your efforts. But that’s fine right? I totally understand. You don’t really know what a person is going through unless you spend a day in their shoes.
          You guys are so amazing. The fact that you took the time of day to write such a lovely comment, just, thank you. I love you guys.
          I’ve never met you but I can totally get the kind of people you are. Beautiful souls. It would be an honor if you’d contribute a piece.
          Thank you.
          Thanks a lot.
          Take care. I hope we’ll see more of each other from now on. 🙂
          Here you go. I’ll keep five smiles for you. :):):):):)
          Thank you.

          Liked by 1 person

      2. Aitijya, I am Trying to comment on your last reply in this thread but I am not able to do so, not sure why.

        Anyway, What I wanted to say was you are equally a beautiful soul like anyone else in the blogosphere. Keep up the good work.

        Thanks for those 5 smiles. Keep smiling and sharing them. Smile has the power to set many things right.

        Leaving your page today with a smile as always :-). have a good weekend. I hope you find many reasons to smile.

        Cheers
        Truly Happy

        Like

        1. Hello again.
          Sorry for the late reply. I don’t know why it is happening. Maybe some problem with the server. I will check it out. 🙂
          And thank you for the beautiful compliment. It did bring a smile to my face.
          Take care. Have a great day. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I can only imagine the amount of courage it must’ve taken to write and post this up for everyone to see. The fact that you put it up, is enough proof of how much you’ve changed. I don’t know you.. So I’m not gonna pretend that I understand you. But what I do understand is the raw and true manner in which you’ve written this. And it is truly amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think i can relate to what you have written in this post though on a different channel, perspective that is.
    What i have known so far in twenty three years of my life, is that it is human nature to always divert negative emotions that surpass their hearts.
    For example, if one is around an enviroment where he or she made a mistake, instinctively, the mind starts to think about routes on how to evade it e.g blaming.
    If one is at a moment of pain, sadness etc, naturally two things may happen, he or she may choose to sit by and drown in the ocean of their own tears and end up depressed or do something way out of the context to distract the mind e.g drugs, or anything which has the ability to disrupt the mind fully.

    So after having read this and shade in to how i perceived your writings, how about shading in some light dear friend by answering me one question alone…
    Are you having it rough in life bud? ☺ – Cezane

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honestly, since this blog was started, since all the stories and contributions have come in, all the amazing things I’ve read I could almost be called happy.
      This is the happiest I’ve been in years. The past is in the past.
      The present makes me happy.
      I know and believe that The Wall could help people.
      No one deserves to be alone Cezane.
      Thank you for the comment. Thank you. 🙂
      And do not worry, I am much much better now. Much better. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  4. The fact that you face it, talk about it and write about it tells me you are not an alcoholic. Because you are strong enough to admit you like to drink, you have taken the first step forward. You are a great writer and have a well organized and interesting blog. Your blog characteristics indicate you have control so I know you can control your consumption of alcohol. I didn’t say quit, I said control. 😉

    Like

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