A Talk With Myself.

I have killed love.I have gone with lust and I have given into feelings which meant nothing.

Read.

Listen.

Understand. And love.

We’re here. And we care.

*****

I am beautiful. I am not normal. I am different. I cry at night for no reason.

No actually, the reason I cry is because I am afraid to lose out.

The fear of losing out, missing out, watching the white shirt walk away and watching the setting sun.

This fear makes me cry.

Sometimes the same fear makes me smile. Makes me laugh and feel so strong, feel so resurrected.

Makes me feel alive. The way no rain- drenching experience could.

I am neither fine nor smart. I get confused even when I try on the prettiest of dresses. I am confused even about the best rock playlist I think I have. I am never satisfied with my song collection. Sometimes when I don’t find out the song which fits into what I am feeling, the most random song which I haven’t heard for ages makes me smile and everything feels better.

I have killed love, I have gone with lust and I have given into feelings which meant nothing. I have walked those lonely walks of friendship which led nowhere.

I have been in love and known I was. I have not been in love and known I wasn’t. Do you get me? No, you don’t. What do they call it? Ah! Damaged. That’s what they say.

But no.

I am beautiful. In ways you couldn’t ever decipher. I am a star that you could never fit into a constellation. Maybe, dear Reader, I would never know, but maybe you are the one who could understand.

Who would want to know every detail of the book that I am? You would bookmark your favourite pages and at best write new pages with me. It would have fewer tears and raging thunderstorms with us under the umbrella. But I wouldn’t ever know because I would never give it a chance.

It’s funny how I would want someone to read me. Yet this book is not for publishing. Is that fucked up?

No! That’s beautiful I think. If you didn’t notice let me tell you I call myself beautiful, but you know the catch? I don’t believe an inch of it. I’m still like all of you thinking that I am too damaged and need fixing.

Whereas I completely know that I am beautiful. And I am more than just worth reading. I am a discovery.

Of emotions.

Of the meeting between dawn and dusk.

I am not the zenith because I am on a journey which is more than just unforgettable, you don’t just store it as memory, you need to live it.

*****

-Anonymous

For any post contributions click here.

The Validation Corner Post 2

Validation corner Post 2

Everyone could use a little validation.

*****

Sana Patel- I must have done something very good to have you in my life. You have a heart of gold and such an innocent charm that absolutely anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. You were there when I was at my weakest and got picked on almost every day to when I became my strongest and graduated high school. Thank you for being this amazing beautiful person that you are.

Ryan Furtado- I honestly thought a lot before writing this. We both know you don’t need any validation from me, besides this would get to your head and you won’t stop bringing it up.

But jokes aside, we may have had our ups and downs but you will always be the guy who makes me laugh till my sides hurt even if I don’t ever say it to you.

I really am glad I have you in my life.

Vedika Pandey- You are irreplaceable. You are a strong headed, brilliant and beautiful soul. You’re amazing and are going to change the world someday…and you don’t even know it yet. Stay the bright charismatic, lazy, crazy, amazing person that you are.

Smrithi Iyer- I have known you for almost fifteen years now and with each passing year you turn more and more into this funny, caring, gorgeous, selfless person and I’m astounded at how far you’ve come.

Your confidence and attitude inspires me everyday to be a better version of myself…so thank you.

Thank you for finding your way into my life.

Sanjana Suresh- They say age is just a number. I don’t think I truly understood the meaning of this till I met you.

You’ve been through a lot for your age and I know you’re still learning how to cope with all if it, even if you don’t say so. You are such a bright star Sanjana and you are so very very very intelligent.

Don’t let anyone dim your shine and make you forget that you are truly one in a million.

Ritika Keswani- You my friend are a gem of a person. You are filled with only love for everyone. You love with your entire heart when you care about someone, and you don’t even hesitate to show otherwise to people who you don’t particularly like.

You have constantly been there for everyone in your life and I don’t know anyone who deserves happiness as much as you do. I admire you more than words can ever express and I will always look up to you.

Aitijya Sarkar– I know I haven’t known you that long…but you seem to wake this dream inside me that I had long since put away. I know it sounds stupid…but what you’re doing is amazing. It truly is. You have inspired me more in this last month or so than I can put in words and although I’m not doing anything half as good as you did starting “The Wall” I hope someday I will.

*****

-Dayita Panicker

The Validation Corner Post 1

Be nice to someone today.

Validation corner Post 1

What is the Validation Corner?

The idea came about from this exercise we had in class.

We had to say something about someone, preferably something nice, anonymously.

This is how it works.

How many people do you see every day?

Some of them you’re friends with. Some of them you just know. Some of them you don’t.

So validation corner could be a place where you could say something about this someone. Something you probably wanted to tell them but you never could. Something you’d want them to do or change. Something you admire about them. You could do it anonymously or choose not to.

Let someone know what you think of them.

Each one of us is unique. Each one of us matter.

And more importantly, each one of us could use a little validation.

Here is the first post.

*****

Ritwik Joshi- I’ve seen you stumble during a presentation. I’ve seen you tell yourself during the presentation that it is not great. And I admire that. I admire the fact that you introspect so much.

Sumedha R Sen- I think you have a really kind heart and you’re always ready to help anyone whatsoever.

You need to know that you’re extremely talented and beautiful. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Never let anyone second guess yourself. The day you do, you’ll lose who are and never find it back.

Ramya Katti- You should know you’re amazing. The way I see you stomp through college every day astounds me. You’ll amount to something great someday.

Stop thinking about the future so much. Live in the moment.

Considering your talents you’ll get what you want some day. Your new haircut looks nice too by the way.

Sanjana Mishra- Man where do I start. Stop living in the past so much, will you? Stop looking for misery when you don’t have to.

Also, puberty has done you wonders. Are you beautiful now or what? I was really proud of you when you killed your boards and I’ll remain a proud brother no matter what. Unless you do something stupid like kill a man. Have a little faith. Things have a way of working out.

*****

-Aitijya Sarkar

 

Flashback.

You tell me it’s going to work out this time. Me, the love struck kid nods in affirmation. The phone is still left unanswered.

Read.

Listen.

Understand. And love.

We’re here. And we care.

*****

Year: 1

Flashback: August 2012

I am this Eighteen year old girl in the new city of Bangalore. Thrill and enthusiasm consumes me. I meet him for the first time. Followed by our first movie night and all those things that make your knees weak.

Year: 2

Flashback: June 2013

You don’t return my calls. My messages. I don’t remember the last time I saw your face. You send me a quick text. It’s not working. Let’s break up.

At least I deserved a call.

Basic decency.

Year: 3

Flashback: January 2014

You tell me it’s going to work out this time. Me, the love struck kid nods in affirmation. The phone is still left unanswered. Déjà vu, I console myself.

Year: 4

Flashback: February 2016

Happy Birthday 🙂

The unsaved number looks familiar. I manage a decent thank you. It’s been so long I tell myself. The circle is complete, we are friends again.

Present: 30 July 2016

You tell me I am the love of your life. These words can drool any girl. This time you manage a call. But frankly my dear, I am a little exasperated. A part of me will always love you. But now that I look from far away, it was simply the matter of a decision.

In your absence my life bloomed.

Weed less.

Can you see me?

Because from here I cannot see you.

*****

-Anmol Mathur

A Letter To My “Cute as Button” Brother.

-When the people who love you unconditionally, not caring about the evil that you hoard inside, are beside you, you seldom understand their importance.-

Read.

Listen.

Understand. And Love.

We’re here. And we care.

*****

To the shining light of my life.

Dear Partner-in-crime,

I always wanted to write this letter, “our letter”, to tell you how beautiful it was when you entered my world and made it bright. You were the light to the darkness in my life, the ray of hope at the end of a long dark tunnel.

The first time I saw you was when father took me to the hospital one fine day, the day you came into this world.

A white cloth was wrapped around your body and I could just partly see your face. You were the tiniest, the cutest thing that I had ever seen and you had just peed on the sheet (don’t kill me for mentioning it). I fell in love, sweety.

That moment will forever be etched in my mind.

That day I found the other half of myself, my partner in crime, my life’s greatest joy, my brother.

Having you in my life was the sweetest feeling. You came to me for almost everything, at times to the point of driving me nuts. Once, I remember being so angry at you that I left you behind. You being the poor little kid followed me and got hit by a cycle. You broke your collar bone. I was terrified that I did that to you. I was too small to understand that I was selfish and that I should have accompanied you rather than leaving you alone.

I was too small to understand what you were to me, to understand that I should have taken better care of you. I was too small. When the people who love you unconditionally, not caring about the evil that you hoard inside are beside you, you seldom understand their importance. You push them away, you play with them, until they are too far away from you to get a hold of.

I realized your importance and felt your absence the most when I found myself in the hospital. At that moment, I wanted everything to regain normalcy. I was lying there on that hospital bed alone, my partner in crime missing. I wanted you beside me, just like I had spent 16 years of my life sleeping beside you, talking about the silliest of stuff, talking about some guy in my life, some girl in your life, talking…speculating about the ending of some book, some movie, some game that intrigued us.

That was our life hon. Spending the whole day apart in school but at night, being together, sharing tit-bits of our daily mundane lives. That was being normal to me. Not this helplessness.

After I recovered, I saw you retreating into yourself. You began storing all of your feelings, thoughts, basically everything in a world inside you. And for the first time, I was not a part of that world. I wanted to reach out to you so badly because seeing you like that took the life out of me. I felt wrung out from inside. It felt as if there was this gulf, an ever-widening gulf emerging between us. And I knew who was responsible.

Certainly me.

From that day to this one, somehow we have learned to live, to be and yet not to be a part of each other’s life. But hon, I still feel that emptiness inside me. The place that was yours, you left and never reclaimed.

I hope hon with all my heart, that one day, you will begin to trust me like you used to, to see me like you used to.

Again.

I have seen you grow up from a boy to a young man, a man who is not only beautiful outside but also has a golden heart. A man not only honest, but also valiant. You are a survivor hon! You have gone through some of life’s worst times but I still see you standing straight, trying to improve yourself even more.

I know for sure that someday you will be a leader and a beautiful person doing good to our country and her people. I can’t wait for that day to come.

Sincerely,
Your Sister

*****

– Aishwariya Sarkar

For any post contributions, click here.

My Brother.

Those tiny eyes stopped her heart and at that instant she knew that never again would the month of August be gloomy.

The Wall welcomes another person on board, Samiksha Gupta. Love and accept the amazing person that she is. Try and connect to her story.

As always,

Read.

Listen.

Understand. And love.

We’re here. And we care.

*****

Every year, in my hometown August would rush in with showers of rain interrupted by the warm sun. Bushes of roses punctuated with wild grass.

Nature ornamented every patch of land pleasing eyes everywhere. This would mark the beginning of a festive season of in everyone’s lives.
Yet, all of this could not cheer up a four-year kid’s heart. By the end of the very first week itself, she wasn’t able to take it anymore and a streak of tear rolled down her cheek, just like the streams that emerged from between round and shiny rocks above the hill.

Her many friends tried to cheer her up. Her loving parents would take her out for shopping and buy her new clothes and toys but the sight of decorated shops all around her would further dampen her spirits.

And on the day of Rakshabandhan, she would refuse to leave her house. She wanted to avoid facing all the girls and guys who’d be proudly showing off their gifts and wearing bands of love around their wrists. She was a single child- a beloved, yet single child.

This story repeated itself year after year until one fine day her mother said, “Sweetie, soon you’ll have a younger sibling.” She put her little hands on her mother’s baby bump.

“Come soon, baby brother”, she said kissing it.
“How do you know it’s a brother?”
“I just do!” she winked and her mother smiled.
And she wasn’t wrong after all.

On November 28, 2005 she held her little brother for the first time in her hands. They were not so little anymore. Those tiny eyes stopped her heart and at that instant she knew that never again would the month of August be gloomy.

Months passed by and the rains set in again.
The sun glowed.
Roses bloomed.
Grass grew in crevices.
The streams flowed too.
Her parents took her to the market again. But, this time their efforts actually delighted the (now) seven year old kid’s heart.

Or maybe all of these things had nothing to do with her happiness. It came from her personal little bundle of joy.

By the end of the very first week itself, she had bought 10 Rakhis for her only baby brother and everyday she would spread them open on the table and spend hours selecting the best Rakhi for her brother, who was too all too young and fragile to even stand up by himself.

When the day finally came, she was the first one to wake up. She dressed up in her favorite Barbie frock.

And then she made the baby get up, for she had already waited enough- waited for seven long years.

And then she, the little “mother-sister”, bathed him and dressed him. A Rakhi was finally tied that covered one third of her baby brother’s arm. And as she treated him to a piece of chocolate, he bit her finger. A tear rolled down her cheeks once again, just as it started raining outside. But this time it was a tear of joy.

Now, almost 11 years later she penned down the most beautiful incident of her life. Rakshabandhan continues to be her favorite festival of all.

*****

-Samiksha Gupta

For any post contributions email us at thewallandus@gmail.com.

 

Hello Goodbye.

You're back again at the start, A second chance, A work of art.

The Wall welcomes an extremely talented girl on board, Dayita Panicker. Read and understand her and her story. Also, this would be the first poem to be posted here.

As always,

Read.

Listen.

Understand. And Love.

We’re here. And we care.

*****

Hello, Goodbye,
Hold on,
Don’t lie.
Tell me the truth,
Please don’t ask why.

Whisper secrets,
Make up tales,
Hold back giggles
Cause that never fails.

Cover your face,
Put on a fake smile,
Hide all the fear,
Behind your lies.

Bury your pain,
Within your bones
To show you’re sane,
And made of stones.

Don’t dare to speak out your dreams,
Keep doing what you’re told
And hold back your screams.

Hope and pray,
You lose your sight,
Cause after all you’re giving up
Without a fight.

Until one day you lose your mind,
Break your chains,
And tear your binds.

You feel the rage and sorrow within,
More at yourself for you have sinned

You try to turn back and go,
To the moment you gave up hope,
But it’s much harder to do than say,
“I would’ve done things differently that day.”

You’re back again at the start,
A second chance,
A work of art.

You know your choice
Just say it loud,
I have my dreams, of which I’m proud.

I know it’s hard, I know you’re scared,
But it’s now or never,
You’re either alive or dead.

Call this your second shot,
Not many get a life once it’s lost.

The pain is there to keep you going,
I promise it ends, Don’t give up without knowing.

Life is hard… It’s supposed to be

If everyone jumped,

who would be left to see..

The joy that comes, after the pain,
No hardships, means no gain.

So hold on for just a while longer.

I promise, this will only make you stronger.

*****

-Dayita Panicker

For any post contributions email us at-thewallandus@gmail.com.