A Talk With Myself.

I have killed love.I have gone with lust and I have given into feelings which meant nothing.



Understand. And love.

We’re here. And we care.


I am beautiful. I am not normal. I am different. I cry at night for no reason.

No actually, the reason I cry is because I am afraid to lose out.

The fear of losing out, missing out, watching the white shirt walk away and watching the setting sun.

This fear makes me cry.

Sometimes the same fear makes me smile. Makes me laugh and feel so strong, feel so resurrected.

Makes me feel alive. The way no rain- drenching experience could.

I am neither fine nor smart. I get confused even when I try on the prettiest of dresses. I am confused even about the best rock playlist I think I have. I am never satisfied with my song collection. Sometimes when I don’t find out the song which fits into what I am feeling, the most random song which I haven’t heard for ages makes me smile and everything feels better.

I have killed love, I have gone with lust and I have given into feelings which meant nothing. I have walked those lonely walks of friendship which led nowhere.

I have been in love and known I was. I have not been in love and known I wasn’t. Do you get me? No, you don’t. What do they call it? Ah! Damaged. That’s what they say.

But no.

I am beautiful. In ways you couldn’t ever decipher. I am a star that you could never fit into a constellation. Maybe, dear Reader, I would never know, but maybe you are the one who could understand.

Who would want to know every detail of the book that I am? You would bookmark your favourite pages and at best write new pages with me. It would have fewer tears and raging thunderstorms with us under the umbrella. But I wouldn’t ever know because I would never give it a chance.

It’s funny how I would want someone to read me. Yet this book is not for publishing. Is that fucked up?

No! That’s beautiful I think. If you didn’t notice let me tell you I call myself beautiful, but you know the catch? I don’t believe an inch of it. I’m still like all of you thinking that I am too damaged and need fixing.

Whereas I completely know that I am beautiful. And I am more than just worth reading. I am a discovery.

Of emotions.

Of the meeting between dawn and dusk.

I am not the zenith because I am on a journey which is more than just unforgettable, you don’t just store it as memory, you need to live it.



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Author: Aitijya Sarkar

You know that bright little star next to the moon? The one you've never really noticed for some reason. That's me.

2 thoughts on “A Talk With Myself.”

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