Understand. And Love.
We’re here. And we care.
To the shining light of my life.
I always wanted to write this letter, “our letter”, to tell you how beautiful it was when you entered my world and made it bright. You were the light to the darkness in my life, the ray of hope at the end of a long dark tunnel.
The first time I saw you was when father took me to the hospital one fine day, the day you came into this world.
A white cloth was wrapped around your body and I could just partly see your face. You were the tiniest, the cutest thing that I had ever seen and you had just peed on the sheet (don’t kill me for mentioning it). I fell in love, sweety.
That moment will forever be etched in my mind.
That day I found the other half of myself, my partner in crime, my life’s greatest joy, my brother.
Having you in my life was the sweetest feeling. You came to me for almost everything, at times to the point of driving me nuts. Once, I remember being so angry at you that I left you behind. You being the poor little kid followed me and got hit by a cycle. You broke your collar bone. I was terrified that I did that to you. I was too small to understand that I was selfish and that I should have accompanied you rather than leaving you alone.
I was too small to understand what you were to me, to understand that I should have taken better care of you. I was too small. When the people who love you unconditionally, not caring about the evil that you hoard inside are beside you, you seldom understand their importance. You push them away, you play with them, until they are too far away from you to get a hold of.
I realized your importance and felt your absence the most when I found myself in the hospital. At that moment, I wanted everything to regain normalcy. I was lying there on that hospital bed alone, my partner in crime missing. I wanted you beside me, just like I had spent 16 years of my life sleeping beside you, talking about the silliest of stuff, talking about some guy in my life, some girl in your life, talking…speculating about the ending of some book, some movie, some game that intrigued us.
That was our life hon. Spending the whole day apart in school but at night, being together, sharing tit-bits of our daily mundane lives. That was being normal to me. Not this helplessness.
After I recovered, I saw you retreating into yourself. You began storing all of your feelings, thoughts, basically everything in a world inside you. And for the first time, I was not a part of that world. I wanted to reach out to you so badly because seeing you like that took the life out of me. I felt wrung out from inside. It felt as if there was this gulf, an ever-widening gulf emerging between us. And I knew who was responsible.
From that day to this one, somehow we have learned to live, to be and yet not to be a part of each other’s life. But hon, I still feel that emptiness inside me. The place that was yours, you left and never reclaimed.
I hope hon with all my heart, that one day, you will begin to trust me like you used to, to see me like you used to.
I have seen you grow up from a boy to a young man, a man who is not only beautiful outside but also has a golden heart. A man not only honest, but also valiant. You are a survivor hon! You have gone through some of life’s worst times but I still see you standing straight, trying to improve yourself even more.
I know for sure that someday you will be a leader and a beautiful person doing good to our country and her people. I can’t wait for that day to come.
– Aishwariya Sarkar
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